Some Questions

1st. Chris Cairns. Why did you put yourself on the IPL list, other than gratuitous money grubbing? You are old. Really old. And it serves you right that your arse has been yanked from the list. How about coming back and playing a bit for your province before chasing the dollars? Chris Harris is doing it, after all.

2nd. Why can't I get an SH size bat (for those not in the know, it's sized between a harrow and a full size, for people of about 5'9". Like me.) for less than a hundy? Don't make me resort to trade me.

3rd. Why are CCC making our uniforms even more ugly? And why do I still want to buy one? And why, for the love of Ghu, will I be forced to buy a kid's size to get one that fits? Surely there's money to be made in bringing out a women's cut. It's worked for Adidas after all.

In the realms of unconciousness...

So, we are playing the French in Wellington tomorrow night, and I will indeed be going. (and stalking the French but that's a whole 'nother story.)

But, following Madame Backslash's lead, I thought I would include some more useful French phrases.

Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries.
Votre mère était un hamster et vos odeurs de père des baies de sureau.

How much have you paid the referee?
Combien avez-vous payé à l'arbitre ?

I recognise you from dieux du stade... That picture was hot.
Je vous identifie de dieux du stade… Cette image était chaude.

You wear pink underwear.
Vous utilisez les sous-vêtements roses.

In other, rugby related news,

Dear Universe,

While my workout was greatly enhanced by the chance to watch a dozen All Blacks get sweaty from my vantage point on the elliptical - Why was it on the day when I am wearing my sloppiest trackies and sweating like a pig?

Love,
Brat.

P.S. At least we know they're doing something.
P.P.S. Corey Jane up close... Delicious.

PLUS - There's only seven days left to join my plane, do it, you know you want to.

https://www.scoreaplane.co.nz/default.htm?n=36V2211UO&m=joinPlane

As for the cricket - All I'm going to say is I feel a profound urge to find Marty Guptill and cuddle him. A lot.

Two Letters

Dear Jesse Ryder,

This is a serious letter as your drinking is obviously a serious matter.

You are talented.  Really talented.  But you need to address one fact.

You have a drinking problem.

The fact you can't have just one indicates you may be an alcoholic.

They say you're on your last chance.  I say that chance should be on the condition you show up to AA and take that first step.

Yours, the Kiwi public who just want to see you play.

Dear Martin Guptill,

The Cheap Seats are now officially starting you a fan club.  You utterly rule.

Love, 

Us

(PS, comment to join the Martin Guptill Fan Club)

[Posted on behalf of The Brat, who is locked in a tin shed with nothing but a stack of paper for company]

Maori Rugby WTF

Dear NZRFU,

I fully understand the need for you to save a million bucks next year.  Really, totally do.  After all, there's a World Cup coming up that you'll need to save for.

But for the love of all that's good and right, why on EARTH cancel the New Zealand Maori rugby team next year?  I mean, WTF?  The tradition that produced Tane Norton, Sid Going and the incomparable George Nepia, gone in a puff of beancounting.

Was there seriously no other way to save a million dollars?  Really?  Nothing else that could be done?  Cake stall?  Nothing? 

In the sincere hope that the team is reinstated for 2010,

Madam Backslash

Posted on behalf of the Brat

Dear Daniel Flynn,

You are not supposed to be attractive. That I find you so is weirding me out. Please cease immediately.

The Brat

A socially conforming experience?

Dear Otago Cricket,

Yes, I understand that you are excited that you get to have a real test at the frankly gorgeous University Oval, but I believe your public relations crew need to wake up a bit. The phrase "Dunedin - It's All White Here" might not be the best choice of slogan given the test we are playing there is against the West Indies. I'm just saying.

Besides, what's wrong with "Dunedin - Enjoy your stay and have a riot?"

Yours,

Brat.

And in other news, going into the final day of the State Champs...

Sexual have surprised us all and gotten up and are now looking much like beating Auckland thanks to a century by Brad Patton.

Otago are still playing poorly and another of Northern's 19 year old whiz-kids has taken five wickets.

And Wellington are looking to have Canterbury all wrapped up after Matty Bell scored a century and Canterbury had to follow on.

And in other other news... Let's not mention the test, shall we?

Dear Silver Ferns,

What the Fuck?

Love,

Brat.