Some Questions

1st. Chris Cairns. Why did you put yourself on the IPL list, other than gratuitous money grubbing? You are old. Really old. And it serves you right that your arse has been yanked from the list. How about coming back and playing a bit for your province before chasing the dollars? Chris Harris is doing it, after all.

2nd. Why can't I get an SH size bat (for those not in the know, it's sized between a harrow and a full size, for people of about 5'9". Like me.) for less than a hundy? Don't make me resort to trade me.

3rd. Why are CCC making our uniforms even more ugly? And why do I still want to buy one? And why, for the love of Ghu, will I be forced to buy a kid's size to get one that fits? Surely there's money to be made in bringing out a women's cut. It's worked for Adidas after all.

In the realms of unconciousness...

So, we are playing the French in Wellington tomorrow night, and I will indeed be going. (and stalking the French but that's a whole 'nother story.)

But, following Madame Backslash's lead, I thought I would include some more useful French phrases.

Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries.
Votre mère était un hamster et vos odeurs de père des baies de sureau.

How much have you paid the referee?
Combien avez-vous payé à l'arbitre ?

I recognise you from dieux du stade... That picture was hot.
Je vous identifie de dieux du stade… Cette image était chaude.

You wear pink underwear.
Vous utilisez les sous-vêtements roses.

In other, rugby related news,

Dear Universe,

While my workout was greatly enhanced by the chance to watch a dozen All Blacks get sweaty from my vantage point on the elliptical - Why was it on the day when I am wearing my sloppiest trackies and sweating like a pig?

Love,
Brat.

P.S. At least we know they're doing something.
P.P.S. Corey Jane up close... Delicious.

PLUS - There's only seven days left to join my plane, do it, you know you want to.

https://www.scoreaplane.co.nz/default.htm?n=36V2211UO&m=joinPlane

As for the cricket - All I'm going to say is I feel a profound urge to find Marty Guptill and cuddle him. A lot.

Totally keeping a straight face...

I have Australian friends, I know they love their cricket team. So Muffin, Dan, Maddy, avert your eyes now...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... The Aussies and their awful uniforms have not made it to the super eight.

On the down side, this means we now have the ugliest uniforms remaining in the tournament.

Oh, Ron? We Knew Him When

So the Brat was watching the Firebirds play and thought she knew the name of one of the up-and-coming talent.

She was right.

Here's Ronald Karaitiana, 21 years old.  What a fine young example of the species he is.

And...

Here's Ron at the age of nine, in full gear for his appearance on McDonald's Young Entertainers.

The lad may be dressed as a Vulcan, but by god he's a happy one. (note - Silver Uniform)

Boxing day Twenty20

Forget, for a minute, that we should be having a real boxing day test, but there is something else I need to draw your attention to.

We are wearing silver uniforms.

We are doomed.

Also, WTF is with the gold underarms? A wee homage to another Underarm Travesty?

ETA: A tie. Another one.

Now we have the farce that is the "super over"

Let me describe this to you in layman's terms.

The Windies get their over first, they choose three batsmen. New Zealand has one bowler and the normal field.
The kiwi bowler bowls the one over, the Windies batsmen attempt to slog the absolute shit out of it.

Then the kiwis get their over. Whoever scores the most runs in their over wins.

This is stupid. But less stupid than the old bowl-offs (ignore Mark Richardson, those things were awful)

ETA2: And, we lose. I blame the uniforms.

Oh noes!

There's something very wrong with Dan Carter.

He's missed two kicks, one of which I could have gotten. Two!

Oh shit. Is he wearing silver undies?

Oh, there we go, he's finally gotten one. Thank fuck.

Rubble

And now, after moving, The Cheap Seats have gone upmarket. I have moved from the rubble of my former house and can now bear witness to the rubble of the Black Cap's current performances. (See what I did there?)

What the hell is going on? Have our batsmen begun to believe their own press? Did they all get together and draw straws as to who was going to have to do all the work this series and Jake Oram lost?
And how on earth do we think we are going to beat Australia playing like, well... that?

I have a theory.
The new uniforms made by Canterbury bear a startling resemblance to those unfortunate silver things worn by the All Blacks against France around a year ago. And we all know what happened there. Thus, the silver panels on the Black Caps chests which make everyone bar Brendon McCullum look like they have man-boobs (and let's face it, Baz would look good in a potato sack) is wicking away talent like the hi-tech undies wick away sweat. Jake manages to survive this by having a lot of talent. Or a lot of body.

Silver does not work for us, as a sporting nation. Let's put the boys back in black. Or teal. Or even beige. Something needs to be done to restore our mojo.

(To Madame Backslash's peanut gallery... Actual Size photos will be up soon. I need to remember my camera.)