HAPPY NEW YEARSSSSS

Oh yes. I have cricket. I have beer. I have Chattergoon (note: Best Name Evar) getting out to Gillespie.

This is good.

Updates as I drink more they occour.

ETA 1: Oh yay, go Kyle.

Freya thinks the uniforms are pretty.

I need better friends.

ETA2: George thinks the uniforms are ugly.

And dan is being athletic.

And Muffin from Melbourne thinks I should stop drinking.

ETA3. Timmeee. Oh yes. Oh yes. Thats orgasmic. x2

ooooooh yyyeeeh

ETA4: Rain. it NEVER rains in high country Otgao. Never. They have constant droughts. Oh well, at leat we can go back to a time when our uniforms were cooler than the Windies. And Oconnor was playing. And Vettori didnt even need to shave.

ETA5: FUCK THIS RAIN I AM GETTING DRUNK!!!

HAPPY NEW YEARS FROM US IN THE CHEAP SEATS!!!

Oh, Ron? We Knew Him When

So the Brat was watching the Firebirds play and thought she knew the name of one of the up-and-coming talent.

She was right.

Here's Ronald Karaitiana, 21 years old.  What a fine young example of the species he is.

And...

Here's Ron at the age of nine, in full gear for his appearance on McDonald's Young Entertainers.

The lad may be dressed as a Vulcan, but by god he's a happy one. (note - Silver Uniform)

Boxing day Twenty20

Forget, for a minute, that we should be having a real boxing day test, but there is something else I need to draw your attention to.

We are wearing silver uniforms.

We are doomed.

Also, WTF is with the gold underarms? A wee homage to another Underarm Travesty?

ETA: A tie. Another one.

Now we have the farce that is the "super over"

Let me describe this to you in layman's terms.

The Windies get their over first, they choose three batsmen. New Zealand has one bowler and the normal field.
The kiwi bowler bowls the one over, the Windies batsmen attempt to slog the absolute shit out of it.

Then the kiwis get their over. Whoever scores the most runs in their over wins.

This is stupid. But less stupid than the old bowl-offs (ignore Mark Richardson, those things were awful)

ETA2: And, we lose. I blame the uniforms.

Is That An Injury Or A Try?

Mr Backslash just pointed me at an interview with Helen Brabazon, who, nearly ten years ago, had the unenviable job of commentating a Hurricanes vs Sharks game on the radio when she didn't know a thing about rugby.

As it happens she did a bang-up job, and once she'd figured out which team was which, really got into her stride.

The interview, including excerpts from the commentary is here.  The link should be good for two weeks.

Maori Rugby WTF

Dear NZRFU,

I fully understand the need for you to save a million bucks next year.  Really, totally do.  After all, there's a World Cup coming up that you'll need to save for.

But for the love of all that's good and right, why on EARTH cancel the New Zealand Maori rugby team next year?  I mean, WTF?  The tradition that produced Tane Norton, Sid Going and the incomparable George Nepia, gone in a puff of beancounting.

Was there seriously no other way to save a million dollars?  Really?  Nothing else that could be done?  Cake stall?  Nothing? 

In the sincere hope that the team is reinstated for 2010,

Madam Backslash

Sun WTF?

Once again my need for actual gainful employment meant my cricket watching was cut short yesterday.

Someone should give me some money.

I did get to see all of the wickets. Who knew Jesse Ryder could move like that? May I suggest the nickname "Flubber".

It's All Beige Here

So I thought it was about time I put up a few pictures I took at the test on Saturday afternoon. Yeah, they're a couple of days late, but I've been either too drunk, too hungover, too fucking busy or too drastically underslept to do anything about it until now. But hey, if you wanted up-to-the-minute coverage, you'd be at Cricinfo. (In any case, I just don't have the liver for journalism.)

Peecture number one is of Lionel Baker being Third Man while the ferocious Fidel Edwards was bowling at the other end. (I could watch Fidel bowl all day, as he is a thing of beauty. However, like any show pony, he looks great but is horribly inefficient -- his run rate hovered between 4.1 and 4.5 the whole time I was there. And he frightened Jimmy Franklin into falling over and going out hit wicket. But this picture isn't of Fidel because I couldn't get close enough. So here's Lionel, being all shy because he's just spotted the camera.)

And here's Lionel again, being a class act and signing autographs for some small boys.

One of the great joys of going to the test was ringing the Brat to tell her Jesse Ryder had just gone out. Neither of us particularly likes Jesse, mostly on the grounds that he has a better reputation for cocktail-fuelled hilarity than either of us. Here he is on his way in from the creases. Check out the sulk. Dude, you'll trip over your bottom lip if you're not careful.

And last but not least, Dan Vettori, Captain Extraordinaire, and Kyle Mills (who replaced Jesse) coming in for tea. Add two more players and paint some stripes on the concrete, I reckon you could do a pretty good imitation of the Abbey Road album cover.

Playing in the street

So... Its a draw, and those who saw it coming (that is, all of us) can sit safe in the knowledge that no, it never gets any warmer than that in Dunedin. Madame enjoyed it though.

I broadened my sporting horizons by heading to the cake tin on Saturday to check out the Phoenix playing against the Perth Glory. What was served up was eighty minutes of execrable football followed by ten minutes of actually exciting football that made us all wonder why they couldn't have played like that earlier. It was a 1-all draw because New Zealand A-league teams never actually win anything. The cake tin is a marvellous structure though, and it was nice to visit the Cheap Seats spiritual home (Aisle 21, row GG, seat 74)

And I have noticed something, through my summer ale induced haze (this haze should dissipate some time around February) There are some really silly scores being reached in cricket games around the country. The Uni Oval pitch appeared to have been modelled on Castle Street, minus the broken bottles and second year girls vomiting. Have all the groundsmen in the country been told to produce flat batsman's wickets?

Kitty Litter Stopped Play?

Madame is at the cricket, I am on the couch. We are both indeed very happy that the rain gods have co-operated with some cricket, although there hasnt been much before some strange occurence with kitty litter and dustpans and shovels (only in Otago) has paused play. We live in very strange times my friend. Very strange indeed.

Its all wet here

On the day I invite my mates to join me in the Cheap Seats for some very unhealthy drinking, it rains. Bloody Dunedin. I bought Mackintoshes specialy (I'm going to make as many jokes about that as I can.)

So, with little else to post about (We all know poor Flynnyflynnflynn was unlucky, and Ross Taylor needs a spanking every time he even thinks of playing on the on-side) I'll post the rules of the great cricket drinking game - otherwise known as The Reason I Failed Biology.

Rules:
Drink 3 when…
A bowler gets a hat trick (on top of the drinking for each wicket)

Drink 2 when…
100 is scored, either by a player or a team.
Someone gets out
A bowler gets five wickets. (4 for a ten wicket haul)

Drink 1 when…
A boundary is scored
50 is scored
A Nelson comes up (when the score is 111 or 222 etc…)
The fielding team makes an unsuccessful appeal
A run out is referred to the television umpire

When watching on TV…

When the commentators refer to a shot or player in a sexual way – drink 2

When watching at the ground…
When the player fielding closest to you gets the ball – drink 1
When a player starts gesturing in the direction of your increasingly drunken group – drink 3
When the player fielding nearest you swaps (not just between overs) – offer him a drink.

But I cant play with no cricket! Come on weather, sort yourself out!

It's all pink here

So, finally we get some international cricket. The kind that we might be able to win. Might.

But I have a few questions.

1. What is with this whole starting at 12 noon business? In Dunedin, yeah it might work given the latitude, but are they going to do it in Napier as well?

2. Tim McIntosh took 38 deliveries to get off the mark. All well and good, but although they say you cant score runs in the shed, you also cant score runs if you're, y'know, not scoring them.

3. Also, Tim McIntosh is 29. Why are we continuing to give debut caps to guys who, lets face it, are old (in a sporting sense, don't kill me Mistress Backslash!)? Why aren't we using the fact that we're in a slump to blood some new guys and build some experience that won't be retired before we can use it?

4. How many times is Ian Smith going to get Tim McIntosh and Jamie Mackintosh confused?

5. Could whoever has the voodoo doll of Jacob Oram PLEASE PUT IT DOWN!

ETA: Oh look, we are 88 for 1 at lunch. I may have to be nicer to McIntosh. But that will probably jinx him.

ETA2: MOTHER OF GOD I NEVER WANTED TO THINK OF TONY COZIER IN SPEEDOS AND NOW I HAVE, KILL ME NOW!!!!!

On a better note, Daniel Flynn has managed to stop being attractive, and instead play attractive cricket. Never thought I'd see that.

Well, the All Blacks went to the UK and Ireland for the Grand Slam and, as expected, waxed the lot of them.

This post on Public Address has some really useful things to say about the Grand Slam and rugby analysis in general.

Of more importance to me, however, with my visual nature and attention span of a gnat, were the links to a couple of graphics that make it clear what was really going on in the England vs NZ game, and also the differences between Northern Hemisphere and Southen Hemisphere rugby.

From The Times Online -- Must Try Harder: Stats, ratings and analysis

Also from The Times Online -- How the Southern Hemisphere teams are kicking the Northern Hemisphere's collective arses

Three years till the 2011 Rugby World Cup, Northern Hemisphere. There's time.